Japan Life – Level Up!

Something wonderful happened a couple months ago…I got a boyfriend! A Japanese boyfriend to be precise. After a year or so of experiencing single life, which I thoroughly enjoyed to the fullest, it’s nice to have someone again who I can be close and romantic with. Sometimes single life got lonely.

Finding a Japanese boyfriend was particularly difficult (finding one in your own country is hard enough), but I knew it wasn’t impossible, so I never gave up. I think foreign (looking) guys have it easy when it comes to dating Japanese girls whereas for foreign girls, it’s a bit difficult. I’ve discussed this topic in my “Dating Culture” post if you want to read more. It seemed like every Japanese guy I was interested in either just wanted to get into my pants or was too shy and/or uninterested. The other ones had girlfriends. I thank my lucky stars that I found Shinya. He’s one of the rare ones out there who is ok with dating a foreigner, looking for a real relationship, and is not too shy (I mean, he is definitely shy, but he responds well and opens up if I initiate things).

I drew us in Art Club!

The point of this post is not to divulge my personal life to you. I prefer to keep most details of our relationship private, but I do want to explain my experience of having an interracial relationship and how it’s changed my way of life in Japan, so some details might come out. I hope this helps give hope to foreign girls living in Japan who are looking for a Japanese boyfriend. Also, I keep this blog for my person pleasure (and friend’s/family’s pleasure back at home), kind of like a public journal. I feel like if I don’t write my thoughts down, they’ll fade away…hence the reason I’m writing about this.

My friends who know I have a boyfriend tend to ask me first, “Where did you meet?” I believe it’s good to meet people at places you enjoy because it means that you share a similar interest. I met Shinya at my favorite, local bar - White & Cigar. We are both regulars there. In my opinion, it was the perfect place for us to meet. When I first saw him, I was immediately drawn to him. The customers at White are often middle aged folk. Shinya was one of the first young and attractive customers I saw there. He was sitting far away, so we couldn’t talk, but I brought treats to share with everyone, and I made sure he got some. On his way out, I had our mutual friend introduce us. She told him that I wanted to talk with him next time we were both there. The next time we were both there, he was sitting far away again. Thanks to the same friend, she made it so I could moved seats and sit next to him. We immediately hit it off, and things progressed quickly from there. He lives very close to me, so we are able to meet about 4 times a week and spend a lot of time together.

A slightly peculiar fact is that he has never been abroad, doesn’t speak any foreign languages, has never dated a foreigner, and doesn’t have any foreign friends. I find that most Japanese guys who are actually interested in dating a foreign girl have had at least one, if not all, of these experiences. At first I was seriously perplexed as to why he would date me. I wondered if it was possible that he was like other Japanese guys I’ve ran into who just want to “see what it’s like” to be with a foreigner although he didn’t seem that way at all. After things became official, I asked him why he was ok with dating me (I know it’s kind of bad to ask because people are people regardless of race, culture, nationality, heritage, etc. and we shouldn’t discriminate, but I’ve lived in Japan for too long not to know that discrimination does exist quite strongly here). He told me that it was unexpected and simply by chance that we started dating. If it were a nice, cute Japanese girl that started talking to him at the bar then he would’ve dated her, but it was me, and I just so happen to be a foreign, nice, cute girl. He said that it was good timing. So in other words, my race simply doesn’t matter to him, which is how it should be! I felt really refreshed to hear this...especially from someone who has little experience with foreigners.

Of course, there are some big challenges in an interracial relationship. First being the language barrier. My Japanese if good enough to hold normal and even some complex conversations, but of course, there are many times when I simply do not know what he is saying. I still have a lot of Japanese to learn. Besides some random vocabulary and phrases, Shinya doesn’t speak English. However, there are two very important factors that have contributed to helping us overcome the language obstacle. First, Shinya is very patient with me. He understands that with him not speaking English, it’s hard for me to speak in Japanese all the time. If I don’t understand, he will try to rephrase or give me time to look up words on my phone. Second, he tries hard to use whatever English he knows whenever he can, and he is not shy about doing it which is important! Even people who are very good at English are sometimes too shy to actually speak it. Although he uses broken English, I am so pleased that he tries. He memorizes a lot of the things I teach him, so he will probably get better and better as time goes on.

Another obstacle is cultural differences. I’ve been living in Japan long enough to have adapted to Japanese culture, but Japanese dating culture is something I haven’t had much experience with besides casual dating. Actually being in a real relationship brings forth a lot of weird little things. First thing is “the confession.” He confessed to me, which simply means that he said he liked me but in the way we use “like” in junior high school. “Do you like him or like like him?” Haha, remember those days?! He confessed that he like likes me. If I say that I “like” him back, then that means we become boyfriend and girlfriend from what I had heard. Since, I wasn’t completely clear of the rules when he said he liked me, I had to ask him immediately after to make sure that it meant we were boyfriend and girlfriend! Kind of awkward! I asked, “So if we say we like each other, does that mean we are boyfriend and girlfriend?” to which he replied, “Yes.” I said, “Ok, I thought so, but in America we do it differently.” He asked me, “How so?” and I explained that in America, we don’t say “I like you,” we ask, “Will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?” Once that was cleared up, I was fine! Lol.

One thing he mentioned was that we should get “pair rings.” I thought it was a really nice/cute idea. Japanese people have told me that they think “pair rings” are an American thing, and I’m sitting over here like, “What? It’s not a Japanese thing?” I don’t know anyone who had “pair rings” in America. I haven’t actually asked Shinya where he got the idea, but I’m just going to assume that it’s another cultural difference…one I like very much. J We’ve done a little looking around, but we haven’t found anything we like yet.

Another difference in dating culture is way of showing affection. It took a while (ok, I’m still not completely used to it) for me to get over him always grabbing and poking my chub. Every time he touches my stomach, I groan and tell him to stop because I am embarrassed by my fat and don’t want him to touch it, but for whatever reason (maybe because he doesn’t have any fat of his own lol), he LOVES squeezing my stomach, upper arms, and love handles. I ask him why he does it, and he says it’s his way of showing love…and it’s interesting haha! Also, sometimes he’ll pat me on the head or back like you would with a dog. I asked him why he patted me like a dog, and he said, “It’s showing love.” Don’t get me wrong, hugging, kissing, and holding hands are still common. Anyway, these are just a couple examples.

The last big obstacle I can think of is the future. I’m not the type of person who likes to date someone if I am certain we have no future together. I date in hopes that the relationship will be successful. So of course, even though it is still far too early to take our relationship to any of these levels, I am still thinking about what our future together could be like if we got married or had a kid. If we were to get married, it would mean me having to live in Japan. Am I ok with that? - I don’t know. Maybe under certain circumstances. Can I master Japanese? - Probably. Can/will he learn English? - I hope so. How will he communicate with my family? –I’m gona have to translate… What kind of wedding, home, and lifestyle would we have? Can he get over his fear of planes to visit America? – He says he can. It’s important to me that he knows about my culture. Would he be willing to spend any long periods of time in America? If we had a kid, would his/her life be difficult in Japan being “half.” If Shinya doesn’t learn English, would he be ok with me raising our kid to be bilingual? Could we send our kid to America or move to America for a period of time so he/she could spend time with his/her family? Etc. etc. These are all things floating around in my mind. I think it’s important to think about these things early on because there is no point in continuing a relationship in my opinion if there is no future. We have discussed some of these things. I think it’ll be kind of a slow process figuring everything out.

For all of these obstacles, there are good and surprising things too! I’ve read things online and other peoples’ blogs about dating Asian men, and there some stereotypes. Sure, some of the stereotypes apply like work comes first, I’m bigger than him (at least we are the same height), and he’ll pay for most things, but some don’t at all. For example, he’s already told his family about me, our relationship has progressed quickly, he’s is willing to hold hands in public, and he’s pretty open about his feelings. Plus, I can reap the benefits of the things he does that are more commonly done by Japanese men and not Western ones like him holding my purse when it’s heavy or ordering for me at restaurants (maybe Japanese guys have always done that for me because my native language is English…idk haha).

Sending cute decorated pictures of yourself
to you boyfriend is a Japanese cultural thing
...I think! Haha! Anyway, he showed this
 picture to his family when he told them about
me. Don't know if it's a good or bad thing! :P

So let me talk about some more positives. As most of my friends know, since moving to Japan, I have become super attracted to Asian men (well at least Japanese and Korean lol)…and let me just say, my boyfriend is IKEMEN!!!! (hot!!!!)!!!!!! :P So freaking cool! Also, I don’t really think this has anything to do with culture, but he is pretty much the perfect boyfriend (maybe I’m still in the honeymoon phase lol). As I mentioned before, he pays for me all the time, he’s affectionate and kind, understanding and accepting, and is not confrontational in any way. The best thing is that we have so much fun together! Whether we are just chilling in my apartment or going on a nice date, we get along really well, have fun conversation, and really enjoy each other’s company. We share some common interests as well like anime, movies, drinking, eating (particularly seafood), going out, and sleeping… I think we have the most fun on dates where we go to a bar after dinner. I would say we spend like 60% of our time together in bars. :P We don’t particularly drink a lot, just often. After work, we tend to meet at the local bar for one or two drinks and then head home. My week nights have become so much more interesting!

I have several picture of us, but he's kind a shy
about me posting them. He let me post these purikura
ones on Facebook, though. Probably not the best
representation of him since it looks like he's wearing
lipstick haha! Cute nonetheless.

He introduced me to this bar. - Shotbar DEN.

...and this one. - The Old Bridge. Very classy places!

Having a Japanese boyfriend means I can experience Japan in a whole different way. He takes me to his favorite bars and restaurants that I’ve never heard of and introduces me to new food. Alternatively, I introduce him to a lot of homemade American food. We have a summer trip planned to Tottori where we will stay in a nice ryokan and eat kaiseki (seasonal delicacies course meal). I’ve stayed in cheap ryokan on my own before, but they are definitely geared toward couples. I’m so excited to have a kaiseki meal in my room for the first time! We haven’t reached this level in our relationship yet, but one day I’m sure I’ll get to experience the Japanese “love hotel.” Haha! I told him it was one thing I wanted to try in the future. Also, this year will be the first time for me to spend winter vacation in Japan… although I’m heartbroken about not going home, there is part of me that’s excited to see what the holiday season is like in Japan. Christmas is known for being a romantic couples’ day in Japan, so I’m looking forward to seeing what that will be like. Having a partner means I have someone to experience many things with. Of course I have my friends, and I will continue to do fun things with them, but I’m enjoying doing things from a couple’s perspective. It’s a whole new world within a world that is still new to me.

We love going out to eat together! Kushikatsu.

The best sushi I've had!

Kaisen chige.

Sashimi.