Meet the Parents

I don’t know about other countries, but in America, meeting your boyfriend or girlfriend’s parents isn’t that big of a deal. You might casually say to your parents that you’re dating someone soon after it becomes official. You might bring them to your house and tell your parents at that time that you are dating this person. Spending time with and around your significant other’s parents is normal and isn’t a formal affair. You often spend time hanging out with your bf/gf in each other’s house in front of the parents. Only sometimes, depending on the people, it can be kind of a big deal to meet a bf/gf’s parents because one of the people involved turns it into like a formal event like coming over to the house for dinner for the first time or something.

The process of meeting parents in Japan, however, is very different and more severe. I’m not saying this is how it is for ALL Japanese people, but the general rule of thumb is that you don’t usually introduce you significant other until you want to get married. Some Japanese people won’t even tell their parents they’re dating someone even if they’ve been together for a couple years! Sometimes the first time meeting will actually be when the boy asks the girl’s parent’s permission to marry her. Imagine how scary that must be!

So, I didn’t get offended when my boyfriend made no suggestion of introducing me to his mother when we first started dating. However, I am American, and I wanted to make some sort of relationship with his mother because it’s how I was raised. I was pleased when he told his mother about me just a couple months after we started dating. He told her I was American and showed her a picture of me. I was nervous that she would not be accepting of him dating an American, but she was totally fine. In fact she was impressed that I was living here on my own and could speak and text in Japanese. She was also worried about whether I had health insurance haha!

I made sure to send gifts and omiyage (souvenirs) on all the right occasions, flowers for Valentine’s Day, presents for Christmas, souvenirs from when I traveled in Japan and abroad, a New Year’s card and so on. Sometimes I would have my boyfriend give her gifts for no reason like when I baked too many cookies, for example. I think she really appreciated it. She said that I was the first person to ever give her flowers!! Of course, like any normal Japanese person, she returned the favor and gave me gifts too for Christmas and whatnot. I really think this was important to forming a good impression before even meeting!

Although it’s not very traditional, because I’m American, I told my boyfriend many times that I wanted to meet his mother at some point like after we’ve been dating for a year, to which he agreed. He had never introduced a girl to his mother before, so he was very nervous and embarrassed, but he wanted to introduce me to her. For a while I thought he meant he was embarrassed because of me because I’m American and fat or something, or maybe he was just embarrassed by the idea of introducing a girl to his mom in general. Later I found out that that wasn’t the case…he said he was embarrassed to introduce his mom to me!!! I have no idea why lol. Maybe he was afraid she’d say something funny about him to me.

So a couple months ago, I got to meet her for the first time. I was very nervous because it’s a big deal in Japan. Also, I was nervous about speaking Japanese with her because I don’t usually speak formal Japanese, only casual. I didn’t want her to think I am rude. Also, I worried that I wouldn’t be able to understand everything she said in general! Luckily my bf told her in advance that speaking formally is difficult for me to which she replied, “She doesn’t need to worry about such a thing! I don’t care. It’s just great that she can speak Japanese in general!” Once I found out I could just speak normally, I felt pretty relieved, although I did use polite Japanese as much as possible.

I was also nervous about other things like what to wear and what to talk about. I consulted with many Japanese people on the matter. I made sure to take out my tongue piecing and many of my ear piercings, cover my tattoo, and wear nice, non-revealing clothes. One of my adult students told me she liked how I wore my hair in braids and suggested I wear my hair like that, so I did. Some people gave tips on what I could talk about like cooking or my bf as a child. Some suggested I bring a gift, but I didn’t do this for two reasons. The first reason is because we are always giving each other gifts already, and the second is that the first time we met, his mother wanted me to take her to Costco, and it would just be more stuff to carry around. Japanese people love and are intrigued by Coscto. However, memberships here are quite expensive. Since I have a card, when my bf’s mother found out, she got really excited and wanted me to take her. So our first time meeting involved getting lunch followed by going to Costco.

I made sure to get to the station early on the day we were supposed to meet. My bf is always running late, so I kind of did my own spin on the gift idea, and bought my bf and his mother’s train tickets for them in advance just in case. It turns out that they were running late, and we just barely made it on to the train. We definitely wouldn’t have made it if I didn’t buy the tickets in advance. Good job me!!! Haha! It kind of made for an easy introduction because instead of awkwardly saying all the formal intro stuff, when I saw them rushing up to the station, I said in Japanese, “Nice to meet you! I’m Stephanie! The train is coming now, so I bought your tickets. Let’s go!” After we sat down and got situated, they thanked me for the tickets, and I told his mother I was really excited to meet her. While we rode the train, conversation was really simple and not awkward at all. My nervousness soon disappeared when I realize how laid back and kind she was.

When we arrived at our stop, we first got lunch at little restaurant. My bf had picked it out in advance. I asked my bf like 10 times ahead of time and consulted with other Japanese people about what to do when it came time to pay. Everyone told me that my bf should pay. My bf said the same but also said it wouldn’t hurt to take out my wallet and offer to be polite. So that’s what I did even though he ended up paying for it all. We were the only people there the whole time, so we could relax and chat. We shared several dishes together. Honestly, I can’t specifically remember what we talked about, but I can say something we didn’t talk about which made me incredibly happy. Before I tell you, let me give you a little background info. My bf and his mother have never gone overseas, ridden and airplane, had any close relationships with non-Japanese people, etc. Despite this fact, I was surprised and extremely appreciative when my bf’s mother made no mention of my appearance, my Japanese ability, my ability to use chopsticks, or any other typical comment I get when meeting new Japanese people. Actually, we didn’t end up talking about America much, if at all! She treated me no differently than a Japanese girl. This to me was one of the best things about her.

Another cute thing she did which made me happy was share her sun umbrella with me! It was sweltering hot that day. Japanese women often use sun umbrellas to stay cool. Of course I told her there was no need to share with me and that I was fine, but she insisted on sharing her umbrella with me, so we walked close together the whole time. It made me feel comfortable.

When we got to Costco, we literally looked at everything in the store! I believe we spent two hours in there! I was fun to see their reactions to things. Mainly we talked about the things in the store while we were there. There was a t-shirt I really liked for my bf, and I wanted to buy it for him since I thought he’d look good in it, and he always is paying for me when we go out. When I said that in front of his mother, she said, “my ears hurt (耳が痛い),” which I guess is like saying my words were so sweet it hurt her ears…at least that’s the impression I got! Correct me if I’m wrong!

Anyway we had a good time. After we made it back to our station, we said our thank yous and goodbyes. Of course I immediately texted my bf to ask him what his mother said about me after we separated. He said that she said I am a good kid. So I guess it went well! I feel so happy! We plan to get dinner together sometime in the near future. The best advice I can give is just to be polite and respectful and be yourself!