Homesickness & Depression

Mostly everyone will go through periods of depression in their life, and I’m no exception. Some people it affects more than others. I’m one that when it hits, it hits hard. However, I was one of the rare few that homesickness didn’t affect so much in the beginning. A lot of people who move abroad will get bad homesickness within the first year or two. My homesickness coincided with my depression and hit me hard in the face in the beginning of my fourth year of living in Japan.

There are various reasons these things came on. One of the biggest factors I don’t mind sharing is my most recent trip in America in May. It was the first time I’ve gone back home to visit that I didn’t want to return to Japan. Of course I missed my boyfriend and friends in Japan, but that’s it. Really.

You would think visiting home would refresh you and prepare you to take on another long period of separation from your friends, family, and county, but for me, it made it worse. It was like a reminder of what I’m missing. When I returned back to Japan, my homesickness clicked on clear as day. 

Dealing with homesickness on its own can be hard but manageable. There are a lot of things you can do to keep your head up like talking with your friends and family back at home over the phone a lot or messaging, hanging with you non-Japanese friends, eating foods from home, watching Western movies or TV, letting your culture shine through instead of trying to fit in, and so on. There will be times when your dark thoughts get the better of you, and you burst into tears at the thought of something simple like missing your mother, but I feel like dealing with homesickness on its own is doable.

BUT, when other life factors come in to play and depression kicks in for other reasons, it’s like you are stuck in a black hole with no ladder, unable to move. This is what happened to me a few months ago. I’m still not perfect or back to normal, but feel like I’ve gotten out of the hole, and now I’m just standing on the edge waiting for two things: to crawl away or fall back in. Crawling away takes time, and falling back in takes a split second.

This post is going to get a little personal, but I’d like to share my thoughts because it might help others going through the same thing feel not so alone like I did, and I have some advice to offer.

My brain was in no way organized or stable in my darkest times, so that’s not how I’m going to write. In a jumbled mess, I’m going to start writing in no coherent manner the bad thoughts and feelings I had when dealing with homesickness and depression (I will probably write some bad things I don’t actually mean). I’m a little embarrassed to write this and a little worried it’ll stir up some bad thoughts again, but hopefully it makes me feel good to get some of it out… Here we go:

Do I want to live here forever? What have I gotten myself in to? I’m stuck. I don’t want to choose between my boyfriend and my family. Is he worth it? I miss home. I miss America. I hate Japan. I hate the way Japanese people act. I’m sick of being fat and surrounded by stick people. Why is my acne the worst it’s ever been in my life? How come I won’t lose weight despite exercising more than I ever have in my life? I need to stop eating so much. But I don’t even eat that much. Why don’t Japanese people gain weight even though tons of them don’t exercise? Shinya always eats the same amount of food as me. I miss college. I haven’t been to Minneapolis for years. Will I ever get to go back? I have no money. What am I gona do? I have to find a new job soon. What if I can’t? What if I have no choice but to leave Japan? I don’t want to be forced away from Shinya against my will. Is he the right one for me? What if I am forced out of my apartment and have no money to get a new one? How do I even get a new one? I HAVE NO MONEY I HAVE NO MONEY I HAVE NO MONEY and NO SAVINGS! I’m so screwed. How do I apply for a new job? Why did the immigration bureau only give one freaking year on my visa extension? Japanese people are racist and ignorant to other cultures. Get with it! You are so stuck in the dark. Don’t call me gaikokujin, don’t talk about how I look, don’t talk about my Japanese knowledge or abilities; just treat me like a normal person. I’m a human, not a freaking zoo attraction. Does my boyfriend love me? I miss Christmas, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. I miss Chicago weather. I miss Taco Bell. I miss pizza. What if I live here forever and have a kid? I don’t want them to grow up in this racist country. The school system is a piece of crap. What if my kid is bullied for being half American? Will my kid resent me or his or her American blood? Ariana Miyamoto. What if they want to live in America? Will Shinya come live in America with me for a while? Do I give up my dream of studying in England and becoming a college professor? I’m missing out on everything in America. My friends back home don’t like me or care about me anymore. My sister is mad because I wasn’t there for her important milestones. My pets are going to die when I’m away. My parents and family are going to die when I’m away. I need to take care of them. I want to take care of them. I want to spend time with them. All my remaining time with them is wasting away and it’s all my fault. I’m selfish for moving here. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to stay at home. Does my family resent me for leaving them? Do they hate my choices? America is so comfortable. I hate Japanese homes. They are so small and uncomfortable. I want insulation and central heating and cooling. F*ck Japanese summer. I hate it. I want a dryer for my clothes. Will I be discriminated against when I go to rent an apartment? I hope my boyfriend doesn’t cheat on me. Does he like his ex better than me? There are so many sex shops and disgusting perverted stuff in Japan. The people here are messed up. I hate how women are portrayed. I am not a sexual object and I’m not your cookie-cutter wife. For those who think there are no gay people in Japan, get your head out of your ass. The yen to dollar exchange rate is KILLING ME! My washer broke. My phone broke. I saw a fight. I got robbed. I got sexually harassed. My acquaintances make fun of my weight. If I went home, I would miss Japan. Does my boyfriend think I’m sexy and beautiful, or just cute? Why does no one come visit me in Japan anymore? I know, it costs a lot. That’s why I can’t visit home. I wish I could more. That’d make me happy. Why do I always have to struggle with money when everyone else around me is fine. My bf needs to hurry up and find a new job. What if he can’t find one? What if he can’t come to America and meet my family like I planned. What if he gets a job but can’t get the time off? I’m so fragile. I’m so fat. I wouldn’t feel so fat in America. I need to hurry up and get a plane ticket home, but I can’t afford it. What am I going to do? Taxes suck. I could just jump in front of a train like all the Japanese people.

Yikes… So yeah, I had a lot of horrible thoughts, and I wrote a lot of horrible things. For any Japanese people reading this, I don’t hate Japan or Japanese people. The reason I came to Japan is because I love it. Just living away from your home can be exhausting and make you think bad things somtimes. I hope I’m not alone in some of these thoughts… And if you’ve ever thought these things, you are not alone. So let’s get a little more productive and go over some of the options and methods for getting out of depression.

One thing I mentioned a few times in my garbled rant is doubt with my boyfriend. I think it’s pretty common in a relationship to worry about how the other person feels about you and wonder if they’re “the one.” It’s also even more complicated in an international relationship because you have to make a choice and compromise about which country you’ll live in. I really think the best way to deal with relationship issues is just making time and sitting down with your significant other and having some deep conversations. I always feel soooo much better when I tell Shinya what’s going on in my mind and what’s worrying me. I tend to keep things to myself because I don’t wana cry or have an argument. Luckily with Shinya, we never argue. We just listen to each other’s thoughts and opinions and try to work our any issues we might be having. It helps a lot. Obvious, I know, but open communication is the key.

I already mentioned a few ways to deal with homesickness, but here are some of my ideas for depression in general. These are for the times you feel like you don’t want to go on anymore and all your thoughts are dark and consume you. My number one advice is to STAY BUSY! I’m in no way a professional. These are just some things that help me personally and can possibly help you. When I say stay busy, I mostly mean get out of the house and be around people. Make plans to meet a friend every day or call them. Don’t feel bad about discussing your problems with your close friends. That’s what they’re there for, and talking with friends can be a huge relief. Down time can be your worst enemy. It gives you time to think. Thinking hurts. Sometimes just going to work and being busy at work is helpful. I know that when you are depressed, you don’t feel like doing anything, but I swear, you will thank yourself later. If your friends are busy, go out and do something entertaining like seeing a movie, shopping, or having a drink at one of your favorite bars while chatting with the people around you (don’t drink too much). Another great thing to do is to go out and accomplish a small goal. For example, if there’s a place you’ve always wanted to go visit or a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try, go do it! It’ll make you feel happy! Maybe you wanted to try some kind of sport or something…if it’s in your means, why not? If you have no choice to be at home, do something that occupies your mind like watching a (not depressing) movie, reading a book, exercising, cooking, or playing a video game. I don’t recommend lying around and listening to music (unless it’s like club music) because it can make you feel worse.

Making plans and goals for the future can make you feel positive or excited. Maybe you want to start learning a new language or something. Take the first steps on figuring out how to do so whether it’s finding good websites, buying a book, or researching about the language in general. If you want to take a trip overseas somewhere, look into the things you can see, do, and eat there. Research hotels, whatever. Anything to make your dreams seem even more like reality. Also, a really simple thing you can do but is easy to forget is to recognize any time you actually do feel happy, and say or think to yourself, “I feel happy now. This is nice.” Enjoy that moment.

Of course, when you are just feeling way too weak to deal with anything on your own, there are places in Japan you can go. In Japan, seeking help for mental health is a lot less common compared to Western countries, but it’s not unheard of, and there ARE options. Look into the closest facilities near you that offer mental health service. There are clinics specifically dedicated to mental health, and sometimes it’s just regular doctor’s offices you can go to receive antidepressants from doctors who normally treat colds and stuff but are also qualified to give out medicine for mental health issues. Depends on what you want. I don’t know too much about this, but if you do a little research, I’m sure there are all sorts of hotlines you can call or support groups for foreigners with depression in Japan. I know the JET Programme has a hotline.

Last, some advice from a professional: 1) Focus on routine and things you like to do. 2) Understand that what you are feeling now is temporary. 3) Don’t focus on bad things that are going on because it WILL NOT HELP! 4) Try to stay positive. When you wake up, say something positive about yourself or the day. 5) Again, try accomplishing goals even if it’s small like doing the laundry. 6) Looking at inspirational quotes may help (I’ll post some of my favorites at the end). 7) My personal favorite: If you are upset about something that happened, remember that it was in the past and you need to focus on here and now! It doesn’t help to dwell on things that happened in the past.

I’m not gona lie and say I’m ok, perfect, and positive. I still am working on things. I have worries. I think that’s normal. Knowing how to deal with them in a healthy manner, though, is important. That’s where I’m at now. Trying to deal. I’m in a better place than I was a few months ago though. Life is short, enjoy it.