I had the unfortunate experience of attending a funeral
recently. A few weeks have passed since the day, so I feel comfortable enough
writing about it now. A funeral is a personal and private thing, so I won’t
share specific details with you, nor will I tell you who I attended the funeral
for. All you need to know is that it was someone I cared for, and I am very
saddened. However, since there are some differences between Japanese and
American style funerals, I thought it might be useful to explain for my readers
who may at some point have to attend a funeral here in Japan.
First of all, I want to point out that I am a novice. I have
only attended one funeral here and listened to my boyfriend’s stories when his
grandmother passed. I haven’t done any research, I didn’t understand a lot of
what was going on, and this particular funeral may have been different from
others in some ways. I don’t know because I have nothing to compare it to. I
just want to tell you what I experienced.
So first, I did not attend the wake. I’m assuming there was
one the night before, but wakes, I believe, are for family only. In Japanese,
wakes are called, “otsuya.” From what my boyfriend told me, it’s a time where
the family gets together and reminisces and tells stories of the deceased. This
is the same as America, however, a big difference is that someone must stay
awake with the body all night without sleeping. Family members will take
shifts. They must keep the incense lit. Since I’ve never been to this, I can’t
provide any other information.
The funeral (or “osoushiki”) takes place the next day. This
is what I attended. It’s a formal ceremony. Anyone who knew the deceased is
welcome. Same as in America, you must wear all black, formal clothes. There are
also funeral kimono that people wear. In my case, the funeral was at a formal
funeral hall from 1pm. It lasted 1-2 hours. When you arrive, you fill out a
slip with your name, address, phone number, and relation to the deceased.
After that, you take a seat. Seats closest to the body (and
maybe in some cases, ashes?) are reserved for family. Everyone must bring their
own juzu. Juzu are like a braclet of beads with a tassle that you hold in
your hands while you pray/reflect. You hold them the whole time. I guess they
are kind of like a rosary. Luckily, one of the people I went with had a spare
one to lend me. I asked if we needed to bring any gifts or money. I feel like I
heard before that sometimes money is given. I’m not sure what the rules are on
that, but the people I went with told me I didn’t need to bring anything. I
noticed that they didn’t bring anything either. Maybe there is some guidelines
to who is supposed to bring money.
While sitting, up front by the body, there are several
(about 5 or so) Buddhist priests chanting prayers, playing gongs and drums, and
I singing. I have no idea what they were saying at all. The chants were hard to
comprehend, but I feel at some points they were repeating “Amida Buddha” over
and over. I should also mention that the inside of the hall was pretty similar
to ones I’ve seen in America, except for where the body is placed up front. The
flower arrangements were styled differently, all white in like paths. Sorry,
it’s hard to explain. Also, there was like a mini, carved, wooden
temple-looking structure where the body was placed.
The most different part for me was what happened next. One
by one, starting with the family, then close friends, colleagues, acquaintances,
etc., we went to a long table up front. On the table there were four incense
settings. Four people would stand at the table, take little incense leaves, and
sprinkle them into the burning embers. You would bow to the body and then to
the family sitting by the table, then go back and take your seat.
Once everyone has gone, there is a short break. The staff
hands out what seems to be like gift bags which I’ll explain in a second. Then,
they wheel the open casket into the middle of room. Next, they bring huge
baskets of flowers. This is the final goodbye. The staff will hand you a big
handful of flowers to put inside the casket. This is when you can get one last
look at the person, and for me, this is the hardest, most heart wrenching part.
You can also give you thoughts and prayers to the family, which I did.
After the flowers are gone, the casket is closed, and the
pallbearers walk the casket out to the hearse. The attending people form a path
from the hall to the hearse. The Buddhist priests exit first. There is a lot of
bowing. You basically bow, and don’t stop bowing until the hearse is out of
sight. That’s when you can put away your juzu
and leave.
When I got home, I opened the bag to find a message that
basically said, “Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to attend the
funeral,” and there was a small gift of appreciation. In this case, it was a
white dish towel with blue rabbits. There was also a little packet of salt
which I had learned from my boyfriend that you are supposed to sprinkle outside
your door before entering your home. I’m not Buddhist, and I didn’t know the
salt was in there when I went home, so I didn’t do it. That’s basically all I
can say about this topic. One more important thing, it is custom not to send
New Year’s cards to any family who has had someone pass away that year. So if
you know someone who has passed away, don’t send their family a card at the end
of the year. My boyfriend also taught me this. I hope this explanation will
prove useful to someone. Thank you.
